Hello The Internet™,
After 30 years my emotional map has become somewhat predictable. You'd think I'd get the hang of it by now, but not so much. I tend to forget how to navigate some particularly hard feelings, but from time to time a profound bit of enlightenment will stick to me. It's like repeatedly driving over potholes; eventually I'll begin anticipating them and rerouting. And it sucks that I have to be miserable just to learn a lesson, but writing down the process serves as a useful reminder. I'm pleased to report that I've been in a productive headspace lately as I've been able to unknot some of those pesky anxieties. I've been able to identify some of those recurring themes as comparing my identity to other identities>feeling insecure about my action/non-action>not liking myself>feeling unstable in my relationships>feeling useless>ruminating on the big picture. They're all interlinked and it begins with the belief I'm unworthy of love (in the simplest of terms). WHEW, recognizing that pain as my TRUTH is a hard pill to swallow and just typing it out made my eyes sting. So I've observed and contemplated this state of mind and after much deliberating I've decided to begin the process of shedding that skin.
I just want to note that it has taken a grueling amount of time to reason with myself and consider LOVING MYSELF as a viable option. "Is it even possible?" I think to myself. Yes, with some sacrifices. I have to let go of the old pattern of holding onto my in-case-I-fail excuses. If I procrastinate or do a bad job on something I can no longer chalk it up to simply not being good enough. And I must admit that even writing "I'm not good enough" feels like a warm security blanket. It's easy to let the walls go up and explain all my shortcomings in 4 words. But, much like the 12 steps for addicts, the steps to recover from self sabotage require acceptance, forgiveness, openness to change, sharing the process, and doing it all over again.
Here are some of my current goals:
- Be freely creative
- Feel like ME no matter who's around
- Redirect nervous energy
- Be healthier, active, meditative, scheduled
- Be financially stable
- Know my boundaries
- Control the things I can and nothing else
- Expand my reach with creative projects, aiming to inspire hope and recognize pieces of the self that live within all beings
- Use this body as a unique vehicle and decorate it
- Don't look at the big picture, just focus on today
- Allow myself to feel inspired and hopeful
- Remember that I'm capable of change, growth, and enlightenment
- Recognize and appreciate the people who are on my team
- Nick, Chris, my parents, aunts, grandparents, Lindsay, Hannah, Aubrey, Trey, Anton, Montana
- LET GO.
I can stand in a crowd with all humans and belong while still being unapologetically myself. I am different and I belong.