Bare with me. I have not reverted back to complete self-loathing. In fact I experienced quite a release after my last entry. I cry often, almost every day, but talking about those things was extremely cathartic for me and I felt relieved of significant emotional congestion after posting it. But as these things go, it didn't take very long for my mind to begin exploring other parts of myself that could use work.
I explicitly remember a period of time where someone wrongly called me selfish and from that point on it became my mission to disprove that theory. Up until now I think I truly believed I wasn't self-centered. The truth, however, is that while I may not move through each day with the sole intention of serving myself, there is definitely a large part of my mental space that believes that I need to make up for the lack of care/affection/attention from others. And because of that I have become an awful gift giver. Yes, this is what has been on my mind lately. I suck ass at giving gifts, remembering holidays and birthdays, donating to charities, putting thought toward people and organizations I care for and making them feel special.
The hang up I face when it comes down to the wire is spending money. If you and I have ever spoken about astrology you've probably heard me say something to the affect of "I'm not a big astrology person, but I am DEFINITELY a Capricorn". It's true. I'm always hustling, working my ass off to get paid. I'd even go as far as calling myself a bit money hungry, though I feel I don't have much to show for it.
I think it's also important to acknowledge the opposite end of this. Receiving gifts. There's a specific instance that has been weighing on me lately. My dad and stepmom gave me a comforter a year or two back and my cat shit really bad on it in two areas. Did I clean it? No. I threw it away. It was one of those expensive comforters that had duck feathers in it or something. Literally, for the past week I have stayed awake in bed thinking about how I should have washed the comforter instead of throwing the whole thing away. That thought sent me snowballing into other examples of my carelessness. The obliteration of many phones in fits of rage, totaling a new car (that a family member got a great discount on for me) because I didn't add oil when I was told to, asking my grandparents for money in exchange for a future photo shoot that I never redeemed for them (because the truth is I was just desperate for money). The few things of value that I are still in tact are my iMac, laptop, phone, and my truck which were all gifts (minus the phone). OH! I can't forget my camera and my college education that I barely use (thanks parents and also apparently fuck you!). The most priceless gift I've abused is my own body. I cut my arm and leg up pretty badly, banged my head against walls, choked myself with objects, and hit myself repeatedly.
OK, I think that's a sufficient purge of mind junk. So now I pose myself with the question How do I get better? It's time for me to explore the answers.
There are two parts of gift giving that give me major anxiety. Advanced preparation and spending. So, maybe the part I should experiment with is actually organization. What is definitely UNTRUE is that I don't give a fuck about people. I do. I fuck with my people so hard. I love my team so much and draw all my inspiration to become a better human because of them.
There are a couple of stigmas wrapped around one another too: Giving takes away from caring for myself and my gift will be inadequate, therefore I am inadequate. As I'm letting these thoughts flow out of me I wonder when I will start feeling the relief I did from my last post. I feel more discomfort now than I did before starting this entry. But maybe that's because I'm touching a nerve that I'm afraid of exploring.
Let me set an intention as I begin the first phase of this giving experiment.
- I intend to give something away in order to spread my love.
- People deserve my love.
- Showing love through gift giving does not equate to taking away from myself.
- I am adequate.
- Others deserve the gifts I have to share with them.
- Expensive does not necessarily mean valuable.
- I am capable of holding myself accountable.
- I am not my past self. I recognize my mistakes and will work on making small improvements
- I have SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE!!!!
There it is. Relief. Updates on this experiment soon.